In 1989 I was still living in the small, dark apartment with no heat. My partner of two years had left me and the pain was intense. Nine months after we separated, I learned that my partner had had an affair for several months before the ending of our relationship. I found myself in the fetal position in the middle of the night in agony, unbearably alone, unable to move and terror stricken that I was going to die.

I am not sure what enabled me to have an attitude of wondering and concern for myself, as this attitude was surely not familiar to me. But something did, and I found myself truly wondering why I was in this situation - the fetal position and having been cheated on.

It may sound unbelievable, but up until this point I had no conscious knowlegde that every relationship I ever had, beginning with David Arrigoni in the 4th grade had ended in a betrayal. Each partner I picked chose to have an affair with another to end the relationship with me. As awareness of this relationship pattern crashed inside me deep grief and fear loosened.

As I continued to feel my feelings (I really didn't have any other choice at this point, my body was determined that I do so) the awareness of where this pattern began overwhelmed me.

The pattern really began at the beginning of my life. In fact, the story of the creation of my life is this exact pattern: my mother and father had an affair and I was the result of the affair. Since my father was engaged to be married to someone else, they planned to put me up for adoption.

It sounds so simple and obvious written here, yet the feelings have taken me decades to uncover. Awareness and understanding of the unconscious agreements I made to "deal with" the situation similarly took me many years.

After this experience -- and complete ownership of the pattern, my relationships changed. Betrayal and affairs are no longer an issue.

Proceed to more of my story.

Proceed to information about couples work.

Site Map