"If one woman were to tell the truth about herself,
the world would split open"
~Muriel Ruckyser

Learning to Speak the Unarguable Truth

Definition of the truth: That Which Cannot Be Argued About.
The most important reason for telling the truth is that it creates more vitality, creativity and choices. Telling the truth also stops arguments. If you are still arguing, you need to go to a deeper level of truth telling.

People often go through three stages in learning to speak the truth in relationships. Many of these will most likely be familiar to you!

Stage One: Non Truth
1. Blame: "Before I met you, I went to lots of plays and out to dinner all the time. Maybe if you got a better job, we could have more fun around here."

2. Who Said What: "I specifically remember that you said you would take out the trash this week if I washed the dishes." "No I didn't! I said that..."

3. Justifying and Being Right: "If you had listened to me in the first place, when I told you that the PG&E bill was due, we wouldn't be sitting in the dark right now."

4. Racing for the Victim Position: "Let's take your car tonight because for the last three times I've driven and anyway, I'm tired of taking my car just because it fits in parking places. "

"Excuse, me but we took my car on our last trip out of town; I've been driving in traffic all day and I just got home. Can't you think of someone other than yourself, for once?"

Stage Two: Half Truth
1.Vague Labels: "I'm feeling okay." "I'm under a lot of pressure.""I'm stressed out."

2. Explaining and Analyzing: "I'm feeling kind of off because the atmospheric pressure is low and I think I slept wrong on my neck..."

3. Negatives: "'I'm not feeling bad, I'm not feeling good, I'm not feeling much of anything."

Stage Three: Unarguable Truth
1. Sensations: "My neck is tight." "I feel a knot in my stomach and my palms are sweaty." "I see light playing across your face."

2. Core Feelings: "I'm sad." "I'm angry." "I'm happy." "I'm scared."

3. Specific Thoughts: "I just heard a raspy voice in my head telling me to shut up."

4. Familiar Patterns and Experiences: "This tight feeling in my belly reminds me of when my parents would argue at dinner."

EXAMPLE OF CONTRAST BETWEEN STAGE ONE and STAGE THREE:
Stage One: "You never listen to me"
Stage Three: "I can feel my stomach getting tight as we talk."

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